Family violence: How to talk to children about it?
- victimepasseule
- Nov 1, 2023
- 4 min read
The issue of family violence is a challenging reality to address. Talking to children about these situations requires a sensitive and tailored approach. In this article, Dr Carole Amirat, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and psychotherapist, explains how to support and guide children who are experiencing or witnessing such situations, helping them to understand, respond, and protect themselves.
When and how to raise awareness of domestic violence among children?
It is advisable to introduce the topic of domestic violence as early as primary school, with classroom interventions led by trained specialists and materials adapted to the children’s age.
These school-based interventions, ideally held at least every two years, ensure access to children aged roughly four to fifteen.
Teachers, who are often on the front line, should also receive specific training to recognise clinical signs of violence in children. Support should be available to them if they encounter a confirmed case of family violence. Children spend a significant amount of time at school and often confide in one or more of their teachers.
Teachers, who are often on the front line, should also receive specific training to recognise clinical signs of violence in children.
When a family is itself affected by such violence, how can it be discussed with the children?
It’s essential to adapt the conversation to the child’s age. You can’t approach a preschooler, a primary school child, and a teenager in the same way or with the same vocabulary.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to listen to the concerns the child brings up, allowing them time to describe events in their own way, without too much direction. Only afterwards can the discussion be gently guided to better understand the situation and events. Simple, unambiguous language should be used. It’s vital for the child to feel heard and for their pace to be respected. Some aspects of violence, for instance, may take more time for a child to feel ready to discuss.
It’s also possible to tell them that adults who are violent within the family need to be helped by competent professionals because they shouldn’t behave that way. In any case, regardless of the child’s behaviour, nothing justifies the use of violence.
As a child psychiatrist, how do you support a child or adolescent facing family violence?
When family violence is confirmed, the Child Protection Service (DGEJ, formerly SPJ) in the canton of Vaud is often involved. They may decide to separate certain family members or arrange meetings in supervised contact centres, where children can safely meet with a parent.
It’s important to maintain an individual therapeutic space for the child, where they can feel safe enough to explore their feelings and questions. We explain to the child that in such a situation, it’s entirely normal to sometimes feel anger, sadness, disappointment, and even fear towards people who are typically reference figures, people with whom they share their life.
We explain to the child that adults who are violent within the family need to be helped by competent professionals because they shouldn’t behave that way. Additionally, we address the guilt children almost always feel in domestic violence situations.
Additionally, we address the guilt children almost always feel in domestic violence situations. We help the child open up, explaining that their feelings don’t necessarily challenge their attachment to the violent family member. At the same time, violence is something that should never be accepted, and we will work together to find ways to change the situation.
Depending on their needs, we can also support the child in family meetings or at least help with any steps they wish to take. It is essential to respect the child’s pace, which may differ from that of the adults around them.
Certain professions, including doctors, have a duty to report. How does this work in cases of domestic violence?
When, during a follow-up with a minor patient, there is a suspicion of family violence, we initially proceed with caution before voicing our concerns. We try to substantiate them as much as possible, with personal and family history, clinical observations during sessions, and information from school, for example.
We then discuss our concerns with the parents, listen to them, and if, after gathering all this clinical and background information, we still have doubts about possible family violence, we file a report with the DGEJ, who will conduct a thorough investigation to confirm or dismiss the suspicion.
The DGEJ will then decide whether urgent measures, such as removing a family member from the home, are necessary. Collaboration between the therapist or paediatrician and the DGEJ is essential.
Violence is not something trivial, and no one should have to live with or suffer from it. If, unfortunately, you are experiencing or witnessing violence, it is important to speak to an adult in your circle.
A message to young people reading this interview?
Family violence remains a taboo subject. As children, we often don’t dare to talk about it; we feel ashamed, think we might deserve it, or fear that if we talk about it, others might make fun of us, not believe us, say bad things about our parents, or that we might be separated from them.
But violence is not something trivial, and no one should have to live with or suffer from it. If, unfortunately, you are experiencing or witnessing violence, it is important to speak to an adult in your circle who will, first of all, listen and then guide, help, and support you in understanding what to do about what you are experiencing or have seen.
