I experienced rape about 15 years ago. I was 19, I think. A man about 10 years older than me invited me to a party. I didn’t feel comfortable there; everyone was older, and I was shy. He then offered to take me home and ordered a taxi. Once we arrived at his place, he invited me up to his apartment for a drink. I agreed. On his couch, we kissed. My kiss was very cold, unengaged. I wasn’t sure what was happening, how I should react, or if I even wanted this. I was very shy and didn’t speak much. He asked me to go to his bedroom. I said I didn’t want to. He insisted. I refused again, but he kept insisting until I finally said, “okay.” He took me to his bedroom and undressed me. It felt like I was a doll. I wasn’t participating in what was happening. I just let it happen. He then had sex with me while I remained motionless. He moved back and forth, doing what he wanted, completely unconcerned about me. I started crying silently. He didn’t notice. Hardly any words were exchanged. He finished and then fell asleep. I stayed there until the morning. It took me 30 minutes to get out of the bed because I didn’t want to wake him, afraid it might happen again or that I wouldn’t be able to say no. I left feeling horribly dirty, vowing to myself to forget this experience and bury it deep in my memory.

 

For a long time, I thought this event was the result of my own bad choices. I believed I had gotten myself into that mess. I also told myself it wasn’t that bad; I had survived, and it was in the past. It wasn’t until 15 years later, when I read a graphic novel about consent, that I realised the problem wasn’t me. That’s when a very long process began. I started re-examining my life and behaviours (anxiety disorders, hypersexuality, self-endangerment), which suddenly took on a new meaning.

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I don’t dare pursue any legal action. It’s been so long, and I’m too afraid of how that man – who still lives in the same city – might react. I’m also scared no one would believe me or that they’d say it was my fault or not serious enough. I still struggle to use the word “rape.” I decided to write an anonymous letter to this man as a way of giving back what he did to me and confronting him with his actions. Unfortunately, I can’t find his address, so the letter remains in my drawer for now. However, since writing it, my hypersexuality has turned into hyposexuality. I’ve started to feel emotions and sensations during intimacy, but I get the urge to hit my partner, who is kind, attentive, and hasn’t done anything wrong. These emotions are starting to fade, but I still feel a lot of discomfort during intimacy, which makes our sexual relationship difficult.

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I don’t regret taking this path, even though it’s a hard one to walk. It’s also a gradual liberation. I felt the need to share this somewhere, as I think it’s part of my process. Thank you to this website for making this possible. Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories. I wish you strength and tenderness.

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January 2025

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