Coercive control is an insidious form of psychological violence aimed at systematically and persistently dominating and controlling a partner on psychological, emotional, social, and economic levels. This phenomenon is particularly common in romantic relationships, but it can also manifest in other types of relationships, including professional or friendly contexts.
This form of abuse includes constant surveillance, threats, social isolation, financial control, and psychological manipulation. By isolating the other person from sources of support, depriving them of freedoms, and destroying their self-esteem, coercive control – difficult to detect as it operates in the shadows – leaves deep scars and can severely degrade the mental health and well-being of the person affected.
Manifestations of coercive control
Coercive control can take many forms, making it difficult for those affected to recognise they are in an abusive situation.
Here are some common examples:
Social isolation: the partner restricts the victim’s contact with friends and family, creating an emotional and social dependency.
Constant surveillance: this may include frequent calls and messages, tracking movements, monitoring communications, and even digital spying.
Financial control: the victim may be denied access to money or required to account for every expense, limiting their autonomy.
“I was a stay-at-home mum, caring for our children and managing the house. He was the breadwinner. I never bought anything for myself, yet he complained I cost him too much. I didn’t even dare buy essentials like deodorant or new shoes if mine had holes. He told me I didn’t need them and that if I insisted, I’d learn what it meant to live in poverty.”
Psychological manipulation: the partner uses “gaslighting” tactics (see below) to create confusion and make the victim doubt their own reality, eroding their self-confidence.
Threats and intimidation: the victim faces constant threats, whether direct violence or consequences for themselves or loved ones if they don’t comply.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting, often used by toxic individuals, is a psychological manipulation technique where they distort the truth or deny facts to make the victim feel as if they’re losing their mind. This mental confusion weakens the victim, making them increasingly dependent on their partner for a validation of reality.
“When I tried to discuss things calmly and confronted her with her contradictions, she’d go silent, then bring up a painful memory for me, like my brother’s death, to make me feel guilty. Then she’d say I was exaggerating. She also regularly contacted my family to tell them I was mad, even after we separated.”
Coercive control isn’t limited to romantic relationships. It can also appear in other contexts, such as at work or even within friendships.
In the workplace
A superior may use their power to exert coercive control over an employee. This can include excessive monitoring, disparagement (public or private), threats or intimidation, assigning impossible tasks to create a sense of failure, controlling access to information, or excluding them from important meetings.
In friendships
A friendship can also become toxic when one friend uses manipulative tactics to dominate the other. For instance, a friend might try to control the other’s social interactions, impose their views by constantly devaluing their opinions, or make them feel guilty about decisions, creating an unbalanced power dynamic.
The victim may also develop a sense of dependency on the toxic individual, reinforcing the cycle of abuse.
The consequences of coercive control
The effects of coercive control are severe and long-lasting, though often underestimated. This form of violence creates a climate of constant fear for the victim, seriously affecting their mental health. Fear, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder are common consequences.
Coercive control can also have physical effects, as constant stress can weaken the immune system, disrupt sleep, or lead to chronic illnesses.
The victim may also develop a sense of dependency on the toxic person, reinforcing the cycle of abuse. Sometimes victims are unaware of the seriousness of their situation, mistaking this behaviour for a form of possessive or protective love.
“He kept telling me I lived in a different world, that I was wrong about everything. My opinions didn’t matter. Over time, I completely lost myself; my personality faded away.”
Moreover, coercive control can have social repercussions, isolating the victim from their support network. This isolation can make it even harder to escape the situation, as the victim may find themselves without resources or anyone to ask for help.
The importance of seeking help
It is crucial for those experiencing coercive control to seek help as soon as possible. However, this realisation isn’t always easy. The psychological nature of this form of abuse means it’s often minimised or even ignored by the victim themselves. They may fear they won’t be believed or understood, especially if there are no visible signs of violence.
Seeking help is an act of courage, as it involves not only acknowledging the abuse but also turning to external resources to break the cycle. In French-speaking Switzerland, victimepasseule.ch offers valuable resources for victims of domestic abuse, including the “violence scaler” (in over 30 languages), a self-assessment tool available in strategic places like medical offices.
Seeking help is an act of courage, as it involves not only acknowledging the abuse but also turning to external resources to break the cycle.
The violence scaler offers a clear and accessible way to recognise early warning signs of abuse. It is divided into three sections:
The green zone describes the behaviour of a healthy partner who respects your decisions, desires, and tastes, accepts your friends and family, trusts you, and is happy about your personal growth. Even if there are disputes, they aren’t marked by fear or manipulation.
The yellow zone warns of signs of coercive control. If your partner ignores you for days, blackmails you, belittles your opinions, humiliates you in public, or is jealous and possessive, these are signs of psychological abuse. Controlling your outings, clothing, checking your messages, or pressuring you to send intimate photos are unacceptable behaviours and should raise red flags. These behaviours lie at the heart of coercive control, where the victim’s freedom is gradually eroded.
The red zone highlights the most severe behaviours, indicating that the victim is in immediate danger. This includes acts of physical or sexual violence, threats of suicide or releasing intimate photos, or even death threats. If your partner pushes, hits, coerces you into sex, or threatens you with a weapon, it is imperative to seek help immediately.
The violence scaler is a valuable tool. It first allows the victim to gain awareness of their situation. By identifying abusive behaviours, the victim can better understand the toxic nature of their relationship. It also strengthens their determination to act. Recognising danger signs can encourage the victim to seek help before the situation worsens. Finally, it can spark discussions with friends, professionals, or even authorities, facilitating access to suitable support.
“She’d got into the habit of searching through my things. One morning, she called me at work after finding notes I’d written, like a diary where I’d recorded my feelings, and she completely lost it. She screamed that I was crazy, that I was hallucinating. That was the last straw. The next day, I packed some things and left for good. In hindsight, I realise how important it is to listen to yourself and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is.”
Regaining control of your life
It’s essential to remember that no one deserves to be controlled, manipulated, or mistreated. Recognising coercive abuse is the first step to freedom.
Remember, numerous resources are available to support you, and it is always possible to escape a toxic relationship (see also this article). No one should live in fear or under control.
This website is made for you. Here you’ll find resources and support to help protect yourself and move towards a more peaceful and fulfilling future.