Toxic relationships and the phenomenon of control

Toxic relationships with a manipulator (the notorious narcissistic abusers) are extremely violent and destructive for those who fall victim to them, and breaking free can be incredibly challenging. Whether in a relationship, family, friendship, or professional setting, how do these controlling dynamics take hold? How can one escape them? Anna Assef-Vaziri, a psychologist and psychotherapist specialising in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and an expert on the topic, offers insights to better understand the issue.

What is a manipulative person, and who are their victims?

First, let’s clarify terms. Are we dealing with a manipulator or a narcissistic abuser? Manipulators are among us, as noted in the title of Isabelle Nazare-Aga’s book, Les manipulateurs sont parmi nous.

The narcissistic abuser, however, is something else entirely. While they certainly exhibit all the traits of a manipulator – self-centeredness, using others as objects, an inability to take responsibility, inducing guilt, playing the victim, reversing roles, a need to always be right, and an inability to self-reflect – they have an additional trait that typical manipulators lack. Ordinary manipulators may use seduction to be liked, recognised, or admired, and are often only partly aware of their behaviour.

The narcissistic abuser manipulates knowingly to exploit the other as a pawn on a chessboard. This person is a strategist, a planner, without empathy or compassion. They are a hidden psychopath. They are inherently sadistic and take pleasure in the misery of others.

No, the narcissistic abuser goes even further. They manipulate knowingly to exploit the other as a pawn on a chessboard. This person is a strategist, a planner, without empathy or compassion. They are a hidden psychopath. They are inherently sadistic and take pleasure in the misery of others, especially when they themselves are the source of the suffering, as this gives them even more power. Their goal is to possess, to dominate, and to make the other their puppet. To this end, any means is justified. They are, of course, devoid of any moral conscience and convinced they are entitled to anything.

They are complex, paradoxical beings. They do not choose their victims at random. Like a hunter, they look for a trophy worth the effort. What’s the point of crushing an ant? But a lion – that’s worth the challenge! Similarly, the narcissistic abuser, devoid of any inner life, will seek out victims with what they lack: vitality, positive energy, a rich inner life, diverse interests, talents, intelligence… ideally with a combination of beauty and wealth. In short, people with resources.

At the time of the initial encounter, they will identify a certain fragility in their target, which may be temporary or permanent. They will exploit it to the fullest, and by the end of a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, the victim finds themselves depleted, stripped of energy, lacking motivation, interests, and resources. They often describe themselves as a “shadow of their former self.” Unlike a hunter who kills their prey, the narcissistic abuser does everything possible to keep them alive. First, because they need them to fill their inner void, and second, because they can then continue to torment them, often with impunity.

How does this hold over someone take root?

They play on temporary or permanent vulnerabilities (such as recent divorce, job loss, low self-esteem, a need to be loved or protected) to appear as someone who will “always be there for them.”

The narcissistic abuser’s position in the social hierarchy also plays a role, with any form of dependency being exploited. The roles are inherently unequal. Let’s remember that the abuser needs power, and so they seek someone to submit to them. They have no concept of a balanced relationship of equals.

The narcissistic abuser will always push boundaries – they will always do too much, too soon. And the victim finds themselves flattered, loved, admired, reassured in their self-esteem.

The narcissistic abuser will always push boundaries – they will always do too much, too soon. And the victim finds themselves flattered, loved, admired, reassured in their self-esteem. In a romantic relationship, this could mean an onslaught of flattery, attention, gifts, flowers, trips…in a professional context, it could mean special privileges, confidences, and conspiratorial remarks like “because it’s you.” In a “friendship,” it could mean remarks like “you’re different” and gossiping about others, creating triangulation to turn friends against each other. And all of this is accompanied by role reversals, the abuser playing the victim and making the other person feel guilty.

Why is it so hard for someone experiencing this kind of abuse to end the toxic relationship?

For the same reasons that led them to fall into the trap in the first place. The victim desperately wants to believe in it and initially cannot accept that this “perfect” person could also wish them harm. It takes time to come to terms with it, especially because the narcissistic abuser, to keep their victim under control, mixes attacks with “kindness.”

This constant alternation breeds confusion. The victim finds themselves “running on empty”, exhausted by these emotional roller coasters and left mentally confused, unsure of who is to blame – even when faced with clear evidence.

The abuser also uses techniques such as role reversal, self-victimisation, and making the other feel guilty, strategies that keep the victim in a state of submission. Their self-esteem is so diminished that taking constructive action becomes incredibly challenging.

Once someone has managed to break free, what steps are involved in rebuilding?

First, they need to fully acknowledge what happened by revisiting all the details and understanding that it was indeed a toxic relationship. Until this point, their survival strategy may have been to downplay the situation or even deny it.

It’s essential to acknowledge that, at the time of the encounter, the abuser’s behaviour resonated with a deeply buried need. Often, this is an unmet, longstanding need, such as the need for affection or recognition, which might go back to childhood.

Next, they need to understand all the strategies used against them, making a list and learning to recognise the warning signs in general. They should also learn ways to counter these strategies if they encounter a narcissistic abuser or even a “mere” manipulator.

It’s also essential to acknowledge that, at the time of the encounter, the abuser’s behaviour resonated with a deeply buried need. Often, this is an unmet, longstanding need, such as the need for affection or recognition, which might go back to childhood. In my experience with patients, this is always the case. But exploring one’s needs is always beneficial.

In any case, the victim’s self-esteem has been severely damaged, and rebuilding it is essential. This can start with simple actions: going out, socialising, starting a new activity, building self-confidence, and surrounding oneself with supportive people. These steps will help sever all dependency.

If this is not enough, seeing a psychotherapist may be necessary. In some cases, almost total reconstruction is essential to avoid falling back into the grip of a narcissistic abuser.

What if someone has to maintain a connection, for instance, due to shared custody of minor children?

This is the most challenging situation. The key phrase here is “emotional detachment.” Achieving this can be difficult, but if someone fully understands the narcissistic abuser’s motives, the role they unwittingly played, their own needs, and their boundaries, and has learned how to avoid falling into traps, they should manage. Detachment means not giving the abuser any hold over them—not becoming submissive (as the abuser will exploit this) nor entering into a battle (as the abuser will likely win). But calmly defending their rights.

You can overcome this if you truly want to and are willing to commit to the journey. Once the groundwork is laid and self-confidence returns, they will thrive – inevitably stronger than before.

If someone hasn’t yet felt the need to consult a psychotherapist, now may be the time – at least to learn basic self-assertion techniques. And of course, securing the support of a lawyer experienced with narcissistic abuse is recommended.

Any words of encouragement for those who are or have been in a toxic relationship?

You can overcome this if you truly want to and are willing to commit to the journey. It’s best to surround yourself with professionals who know how to help. And considering that narcissistic abusers’ victims often have significant inner resources, once the groundwork is laid and self-confidence returns, they will thrive – inevitably stronger than before.